Feelings when I found out I was pregnant

I've been 5 months pregnant with you baby. I want to share with you how I felt when I found out the news.

I had a strange feeling before I even missed the period. I thought I had conceived. I was scared and worried because we didn't plan for a baby yet and didn't feel we were ready - financially and emotionally.

Let's step back for a little bit. Your Dad didn't plan to have kids because he didn't think about it and I told him NO. I had so many reasons why I didn't want to have kids. Having kids is having the responsibility for the rest of the life. I didn't feel that I was done with the first family I was born to. Therefore, I couldn't start another family. If I'm done with my first family, I would like to be free from worries and responsibilities so I can do whatever I want to do such as volunteering with the international organization to help kids or traveling the world. I was afraid that having kids, I have to focus all my energy and resources to raising my kids. I was struggling with the thoughts of having kids or not. Because I needed to my finalize decision in 2 years - 2012. I didn't know whom to ask so I didn't ask anyone. I turned to God - asking him to show me my duty in life. I told HIM this time, I would be ready to accept whatever assignment he gives. But then I also asked for $300M. With that amount of money, I thought I would be able to do whatever I wanted.

Financially, we were not ready because your Dad just started new companies. Our money is now to invest in those places. We are not at the point where we think we can provide our children a life that they deserve.

Then you came as a surprise assignment from God. So I was scared and worried. I talked to your dad about the future and the plan for our future. He explained that we could handle a baby with our current situation now. I didn't fully explained to him what I was having in my mind. But I thought I had conceived. It was just too soon to confirm. I had to wait for about 3 weeks for the next period.

When I missed the next period, I immediately knew I was pregnant. I asked your Dad to buy a home pregnancy test. But I was scared to find out one way or the other. So I waited for a week. On Friday, around 3am, I woke up and decided to test. Your Dad was playing game at that point. When the test showed the word "pregnant", I was completely speechless. My fear was confirmed. Though, I was thinking it would be a little bit sad if the test was negative. I walked out to the office to talk to your Dad. I said "Honey, I need to talk". He replied "I'm in the dungeon right now, I can't get out. Can you wait for another 30 mins?" I said yes but was not really happy. I went back to the bedroom trying to sleep. But the emotions kept me awake. Those fifteen minutes were the longest time in my life. So I walked out to the office again and showed him the test result. He glanced at it and said "I told you so. You should have been more careful" then went back to the game. I tried to read online news to get my mind out of worries and fears. After a while, I decided to go back to bed. Then finally, your Dad finished the game. He came to the bedroom, hugged me and told me that everything would be OK. He would take care of you, the baby. We would be able to have a baby now. Because compared with our parents, we have more than what they had. I felt better and went back to sleep.

On Monday, I called my OB/GYN. The nurse talked to me and comforted me. She congratulated me and said everything should be OK. She scheduled me to come in. During that time, I didn't know what to do with the news. Should I tell everyone? Should I not tell? Should I wait? Then I spilled the secret to someone. When the doctor confirmed, I told everyone about the pregnancy news.